Book Club: “Uninvited” By Lysa TerKeurst
It is BOOK CLUB time!
For the next few weeks, I along with several friends are reading Lysa TerKeurst’s book, “Uninvited.” This book has been on my reading list for several years, but following the difficulties of 2020, I felt it was finally time to read it. If you’re just finding this blog post around when we started, message me or comment below to be added to our official group chat on Instagram.
With this book, Lysa aims to help you:
Stop feeling left out by believing that even when you are overlooked by others you are handpicked by God.
Change your tendency to either fall apart or control the actions of others by embracing God-honoring ways to process your hurt.
Know exactly what to pray for the next 10 days to steady your soul and restore your confidence in the midst of rejection.
Overcome the two core fears that feed your insecurities by understanding the secret of belonging.
If you find this blog after we’ve completed our book club, please feel free to follow along with the schedule I created (just edit the dates). Our goal is to read at least three chapters a week. At the end of three chapters, I will ask the group questions for further discussion. I will continue to edit this post with the questions I share and the questions that come from group members.
I’m so excited to see how God uses this book to transform hurting hearts post-2020. Let’s get started!
The Schedule
Discussion
Questions to ask yourself each week:
What is the biggest take away from these chapters?
What is your favorite quote from these chapters?
What are you learning about who God says He is from these chapters?
What are you learning about who God says you are from these chapters?
What lie(s) do you need remove from your identity?
Week One:
Chapters 1-3:
Lysa opens up this book talking about honesty, rejection and how we can easily turn a line that we hear, into a label about who we are, that then becomes a lie we buy into. This all leads us to “wondering if God secretly agrees” with that lie and if we’re worth much of anything at all.
Where do you stand with the questions Lysa asks us in Chapter 2?
Is God good?
Is God good to me?
Do I trust God to be God?
Moving forward, pray the prayer on pages 25-26 regularly as you work through your story. “Imagine how differently you might approach each day by simply stating and believing”
God is good. // God is good to me. // God is good at being God. And today is yet another page in our great love story.
In Chapter 3, Lysa shares a story about an interaction with a woman at the gym. This interaction resulted in Lysa believing she was hated by her fellow gym goer. However, she later realizes the hatred was assumed. She goes on to admit to all the times she will “assign thoughts to others that they never actually think. I hold them accountable to harsh judgements they never make. And I own rejection from them they never gave me.” I AM SO GUILTY OF THIS.
She goes on to challenge us to “Live Loved” so we stop living as “a slave to my runaway emotions and assumptions.” Meaning “live from the abundant place that you are loved, and you won’t find yourself begging others for scraps of love.”
So how do we actively live loved? This chapter is one, I will revisit often. The goal is to accept that “God’s love isn’t based on me. It’s simply placed on me. And it’s the place from which I should live..loved.”
Remember, “living loved is sourced in your daily surrender to the One who made you.”
Week Two:
Chapters 4-6:
These two quotes stuck out for me in Chapter 4:
“No person is equipped to be the constant lifeline to another.” // “People will not respect us more than we respect ourselves.”
In this chapter, Lysa talks about loneliness. It’s a feeling I toggle with often with being a military spouse and mother with young children. I am guilty of putting high expectations on my husband to meet the needs I feel lacking in my daily routine. I also can relate with the feeling of being lonely in a crowded room because I don’t like putting expectations on friends and feeling disappointed when they reveal their human limitations to me. I try to be the person, others need and then walk away feeling empty because I’ve given too much of myself. The biggest takeaway from this chapter for me, is that we need to “grasp the full love of Christ” so we won’t “grab at other things to fill us.” She goes on to say that if we do this, “we’ll feel a prick in our spirit when our flesh makes frenzied swipes at happiness, compromising clutches for attention, paranoid assumptions with no facts, joyless attempts to one-up another, and small-minded statements of pride.”
In Chapter 5, Lysa tackles TRUST. Anyone else struggle with trust and giving up control? I can’t be the only one. Lysa shares how she often asks God to bless her plans instead of going to Him surrendering to trusting His plans for her life.
“What we see will violate what we know unless what we know dictates what we see.”
If we continue to cling to “what we see,” it will sabotage us every time. We need to line up what we see with what we know is true of God’s word. This is going to transform how we live our daily lives.
“With the fullness of God, we are free to let humans be humans—fickle, fragile and forgetful.”
I love how she reminds us that even though we can’t predict God’s plans for our lives, if we believe God is who He says He is, then “the fact that God will work everything together for good is a completely predictable promise.” That alone gives me so much peace. She goes on to challenge us to stay on alert:
“If we become enamored with something in this world we think offers better fullness than God, we will make room for it. We leak out His fullness to make room for something else we want to chase.”
Oh Chapter 6…Friendship Breakups. As I started reading this chapter, I started reliving some friendship breakups I endured. Those wounds instantly came to the surface even though they occurred YEARS ago. I was so impressed and encouraged by Lysa’s obedience to “fight for her” former friend. She didn’t force the friend to forgive her or let her back into her life. Instead, she practiced an exercise of listing off that friend’s best qualities. This helped rid herself of bitterness and turn the focus back on the true enemy.
“We have an enemy, and it’s not each other.”
I want to remember to do this practice when I experience hurt or separation from a friend. I want to “live loved” despite what my feelings want be expressed. Remember friends:
“Bitterness, resentment and anger have no place in a heart as beautiful as yours.”
Week Three:
Chapter 7-9:
Chapter 7 focuses on how to respond when your normal gets turned around. She talks about life being risky and lead to rejection when you were once in a “safe” position.
“Life feels impossibly risky when I’m reminded how unpredictable circumstances can shatter and forever change what I know and love about my life.”
She talks about responding to painful life changes as if you’re standing between two boxes: the bitterness box and a box of grace. If we choose to respond with bitterness, we are choosing a path of further hurt. However, if we choose to look at an outcome with grace, we are headed toward healing.
“Each hole left from rejection must become an opportunity to create more and more space for grace in my heart.”
In Chapter 8, Lysa talks about communicating with others as a way to bring out deeper connection.
“Relationships don’t come in packages of perfection; relationships come in packages of potential.”
She challenges us to approach hard conversations by interjecting “me too” statements versus “you could” or “you should” responses. The first goal should be to make the other person feel loved, accepted and known. Instead of focusing on getting your emotions understood or justified. Lysa further reminds us that this process isn't to validate the other person’s actions, instead its to exhibit grace to them.
“Let your past rejection experiences work for you instead of against you by allowing them to help you sense the possible pain behind other people’s reactions.”
Chapter 9, was a big on for me. She talks about the pain of rejection. No matter what, it hurts. It’s often easy to question God’s goodness when we face rejection.
“Rejection isn’t just an emotional feeling. It’s a message that alters what you believe about yourself.
We struggle to understand why God is “passing us over” and is busy elsewhere. However, if we believe God is good, we must remember “He is at work, maybe doing something entirely beyond what we were thinking.” In the face of rejection, we are not set aside. Instead, we are set apart by God.
“The tweaking of us by God in the quiet is the saving of us in public.”
She goes on to share three gifts that come from rejection:
The gift of being made less
The gift of being lonely
The gift of silence
The chapter is concluded with Lysa shifting our meaning of the word “forgiving” to show that we are made “for giving.” If we are “for giving” we can then choose to trust that a rejection is “God’s protection” for you and “God’s provision for her.”
Week Four:
Chapters 10-12:
Her Success Does Not Threaten Mine, that is the title of Chapter 10. It’s a phrase I’ve often repeated throughout my adult life as I’ve watched others get the jobs, boys and opportunities I wanted for myself. In this chapter, Lysa challenges us to “stop the scarcity thinking.”
“People who live with an abundance mentality, who operate out of a deep knowing of their immeasurable worth, live love.”
I want that. I don’t want to live believing I am lacking or being left behind by God regarding his provisions. I want to “starve my scarcity thinking.” Social media feeds a scarcity mentality. I can easily catch myself wishing & wanting what I see on my new feeds. I struggle to actually celebrate with my “friends” and I want this to change.
“Choose to live loved while you’re in the middle of the journey, and know that what He has in mind for you is so much more than you imagine.”
Chapter 11:
In this chapter, Lysa gives us “10 Things To Remember When Rejected.” This is my most highlighted/margin filled chapter thus far.
“The enemy loves to take our rejection and twist it into a raw, irrational fear that God really doesn’t have a good plan for us.”
Here is the list of 10:
One Rejection is not a Projection of Future Failures- “It has already stolen enough from your present. Don’t let it reach into your future.”
Rejection Doesn’t Label You. It Enables You to Adjust and Move On- “It’s our choice to have either a realistic view or a pessimistic view of rejection.”
This Could Be an Invitation to Live in Expectation of Something Else: “Today’s disappointment is making room for tomorrow’s appointment.”
There is Usually Some Element of Protection Wrapped in Every Rejection- “In the mercy you can see things falling into place rather than falling apart.”
It’s Good to Ask the “What” Questions but Less Helpful to Ask “Why”- “Decide you’ll only ask questions that help you move forward instead of feeling stuck in the reasons something happened.” (Use the questions she shares on pages 135-136).
Don’t Hash, Bash, or Trash on the Internet. Remember, the Internet Never Forgets.- “Don’t let today’s reaction become tomorrow’s regret.”
There’s Much More to You than the Part That Was Rejected- “One of the hard parts of rejection is the time gap is suddenly introduces into your life. Use this extra time to discover new things about yourself.”
What One Person Sees As Your Liability, Another Might See as a Wonderful Asset- “It’s not bad that I’m vulnerable, but am I displaying a mature form of my vulnerability.”
This is a Short-Term Setback, Not a Permanent Condition- “If we give it the power to define us, it will haunt us long-term. But if we only allow it enough power to refine us, the hurt will give way to healing.”
Don’t Let This Heartbreak Destroy You. Let This Breaking Actually Be the Making of You. Let God Use It in Good Ways to Make You Stronger and Take You Further.- “He didn’t bring us together simply to build a life that would make us happy. He brought us together to be partners in the purpose He assigned.”
“God isn’t afraid of your sharp edges that may seem quite risky to others. He doesn’t pull back. He pulls you close.”
Chapter 12, “The Enemy’s Plan Against You” Lysa shares about her sudden experience with lions on a trip to Africa. Her thoughts were consumed with fear, that eventually came to life when lions entered the “safe” camp she resided. She writes, “I wrestled with that lion. And lost. Because I let him get the best of my thoughts.” She goes on further to write, “You don’t have to go to Africa to get stalked by a lion.” Satan is “coming after your mind” and “looking to devour you.” Talk about a freaky image but if you’re a believer, you know this is a true one. There is hope to the Devil’s obsession with destroying us…it’s that he is predictable. “Lies flee in the presence of truth,” and we are equip with God’s truth as defense.
“The Devil is vicious, but he’s not victorious. And you, my friend, have everything you need to defeat him.”
I want to encourage you to reflect on these quotes as we continue reading this book:
“What is holding my attention the most is what I’m truly worshipping.” (pg. 156)
“As we seek love and acceptance, God doesn’t want us to test Him; He wants us to trust Him.” (pg. 157)
“Satan rushes in where he smells emptiness, deprivation, and rejection.” (pg. 158)
What is getting your first and last thoughts?
The Final Chapters:
