By Ali Christian

Sometimes this thing happens in which someone shares a struggle with me but then adds “but it’s nothing like what you’re going through!” As if their heartache is insignificant because I have heartache as well. And can I be honest? It makes me cringe. It makes me feel awkward and strange as if I’ve won some sort of unspoken award for ‘biggest mess’ or ‘girl who has suffered more than the general public and therefore doesn’t need to be bothered with other people’s problems.’

Like I said- awkward and strange. So PSA let’s stop doing this to each other, especially our friends who feel comfortable talking about suffering, but haven’t necessarily suffered more than the rest of humanity. But, beyond what this makes me feel, let’s talk about what these statements imply because I have to admit, I’ve been telling myself a similar story lately and it’s time for me to knock it off... 

You see, I’ve been shaming myself for being sad and condemning myself for not simply being grateful. Grateful for all the ways the Lord has provided in our situation. Grateful that I’m a transplant candidate. Grateful to be alive. Grateful because “I could be worse off.” I’ve been telling myself there are other people with bigger issues and I need to stop it with the sad business. Because again, after all, I could always be worse off.

But, as I wrestle through these feelings of guilt and shame, here’s what the Lord has graciously revealed to me. That He’s not behind this theory of categorizing our suffering. And therefore I can’t get behind this theory either. That because other people have deemed something a “bigger” heartache, we can’t acknowledge our own heart breaking. That because we have so much to be grateful for, we can’t be sad. 

Can I give you an example of how this may play out in our heads? This is like saying a 2020 grad shouldn’t be disappointed about not having a graduation because there are elderly people dying from COVID-19. Or that a new mom shouldn’t struggle because “at least she was able to have a child.” And when I imagine what God would say to me if we were having this conversation face to face, I imagine it would be something along the lines of...

“Your burden is real and it’s heavy. Would you let me carry your burden? I am the Father of compassion & God of all comfort who wants to comfort you in WHATEVER your troubles are so that you can comfort others no matter what things are troubling them. My child, when you’re sad I’m sad. You don’t have to justify your sadness for me to have compassion. I’m tender hearted and not above your pain. Others are struggling, but please know I don’t expect that to make your pain any less painful.”

When we compare others troubles to our own, it distracts us from facing the reality of our own suffering and working through it in an intimate, character-building way with Him. We miss out on discovering who the Loving Creator of the universe is and how He cares for us in times of trouble, by trying to categorize our level of suffering. We miss the opportunity to bring our broken hearts before the Lord to see the compassion He has for us and the true peace He can offer us and as a result miss the opportunity to bring compassion and peace to others. 

Comparing our heartaches and deeming one less severe than the other is not going to heal us of our own heartache sister, but instead will only temporarily soothe our aching hearts as Netflix and chocolate might. As children of the Living God, we have the right to bring our heartaches before Him. Let us not take for granted this precious gift that was given to us through Jesus.

Take comfort, my sweet aching friends. No matter how small your pain feels, He sees us & is not removed from comforting us. The God of all comfort says...

“Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” — Galatians 6:2

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us all in our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”— 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

“Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.”— Romans 12:15

“Finally, all of you, be like-minded, be sympathetic, love one another, be compassionate and humble.”— 1 Peter 3:8

I know when someone shares a major heartache with me, I fumble for the right words. Not because I’m categorizing their suffering but because I feel so inadequate to be the perfect place for them to land in their troubles. And that’s because I am. Jesus is the only perfect place to land. But, what I’ve started doing instead of trying to be perfect is be armed with helpful encouragement and phrases that let them know I am a safe place for them to share their heartache. 

So next time that stranger (or friend) shares her troubles with us, maybe instead of saying something along the lines of “oh my goodness, my troubles are nothing compared to yours,” we say something along the lines of:

“I understand how you feel. One time my heart was so shattered I thought I’d never recover.” 

“I’m suffering in a different way right now, but it’s so sweet to know I’m not the only one who is hurting. It’s been hard. Let’s talk.”

“You are so not alone in your suffering, sister. I’m here for you to talk about it as much as you need.”