Homecoming Truths (what to expect after deployment with kids)
When Ryan returned from his 6-month deployment, our family instantly felt whole again. My 3-year-old was ecstatic. His favorite playmate returned to him. His return also meant I finally had someone to share in the misery of middle of the night wake ups with our 6 month old. It’s been a few weeks of all of us adjusting to each other’s quirks and tantrums. A lot of people have checked in on us to see how we are doing with our family back, so here’s what I’ve learned:
WHAT to EXPECT after DEPLOYMENT with kids
Your chemistry will be strong but you’ll have to wait to rekindle once the kids are napping or away
Sorry Mom - but you’ll want to jump your spouse the moment you see him because 6-months is a long time. The only problem is you have kids. Depending on the time of day he returns, they might want to play, eat, and hang out with Dad. Your desires must wait until they’re asleep, in school, or out of the house with friends.
Your house will be messier
When Ryan was gone I almost never went to bed with dishes in the sink. I also prioritized chores. Now that he’s home there is just more to keep clean and organized. It’s a struggle to keep up with it all. Also, with him being home I assume he will tidy as he goes, but I’m remembering he’s a “let’s do it all on Saturday” kind of cleaner.
Your spouse will start annoying you again around Day 2
Emphasis on the above. Why must he lay his dishes beside the sink instead of inside the dishwasher I emptied earlier? Or why does he leave a pile of gently worn clothes on the floor instead of inside the laundry basket or back in the closet? I guess it’s not fair to expect him to be different when he returns home after 6 months.
You will think to yourself. “Things were better when he/she were gone.”
It’s hard to let go of your routine. That routine is what you survived on for months. Before, you could wake up 30 minutes before church started & leave the house on time with both boys dressed and fed. Now that your husband is home, this is impossible even with an extra set of arms. You can’t watch your favorite shows after the kids are in bed because he doesn’t like soap operas like “Grey’s Anatomy” or the “Great British Bake Off.”
You’ll want a day or week or month off from the family
Even though he just got home, you might want to check into a hotel or hide away at a spa for a weekend. That doesn’t mean you don’t love him, it just means you need a little break. Discuss this with your spouse and make it happen. Giving him time to reconnect with the kids without you present will build up his confidence.
Your kids may be distant from one of you
It might take your kids time to reconnect with your returned spouse. Our oldest didn’t skip a beat with Ryan. He had his best friend back. Our youngest, has taken some time adjusting. He still mostly prefers me but he’s starting to realize Ryan is his dad.
Your spouse might forget how to be a parent
This is something Ryan and I talked about a lot before he got home. When your spouse returns from being away for an extended period, there will be an adjustment. They’ve been living on their own and only hearing of how you disciplined your toddler from afar. For Ryan, he returned home to a 6 month old he had only known for 10 days. He forgot a lot about how to care for a baby. For the parent coming home, he/she needs to relearn how to parent. He also doesn’t need you hovering, making him question himself while he gets to know his now older children.
Your spouse might forget that you still need help even though you’ve been doing this on your own for months without him
This is an especially hard truth for me. Now that Ryan is home I expect him to jump back into our life and take over to give me a break. This happens for roughly the first week and then it is time for negotiations and compromises. I can’t expect him to do all the night feedings, take out every trash bag and wipe every blow out. It’s not a “now it’s your turn I’m done” kind of relationship at our house, even if I want it that way sometimes.
Your friends will see less of you for a while
When Ryan was gone I filled up my social calendar. I had friends over for dinner. We had all day play dates with friends. We attended 8am church services. We went to the zoo weekly. Now Ryan is home and we are doing more family outings.
You need to have a birth control option because you might be pregnant.
During both deployments, I went off the pill. The first was because I knew when Ryan returned we’d start trying for a second child. This time, I just got lazy and forgot. Our youngest was 6 months when Ryan returned - that’s a little soon for us to get pregnant again.
Adjusting to becoming a family again is not easy but this is the moment we couldn’t wait for—enjoy the highs and communicate through the lows. I truly believe there’s fewer moments in the military world, more meaningful than when your spouse comes back home.
Photos by: Kerry L Photography
