Guest Writer’s Series: It’s Time To Retire This Motherhood Phrase
By Christine S.
Never before in our lives has Mom Culture been so prevalent. It’s hip to be a mom right now, and that’s evident through all the Mom-themed products at Target, Etsy, and Amazon. Want a mug, shirt, or Mom-themed window decal? You don’t have to look far to find one. They come in all different phrases - things like “Tired as a Mother”, “Mom Hair, Don’t Care”, and my least favorite, “Just Keeping the Kids Alive”.
“Just Keeping the Kids Alive” has many variations. “Drinking coffee to keep the kids alive”, “Keeping the tiny humans alive”, and “Today’s Goal: Just keep the kids alive”. Many people enjoy these phrases and proudly wear or display them to show their status as part of the exhausted moms club.
But for many of us, these phrases are problematic. Many of us could not keep our kids alive.
While you may read that statement and think I’m referring to a small minority, I’m not.
1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss.
1 in 100 babies are stillborn (born dead after 20 weeks by United States standards).
In 2017, there were approximately 3,600 babies that died due to SUID (sudden unexpected infant death syndrome).
There are countless children on life support, in a decline from terminal illness, and children that have succumbed to an accident or unexpected illness, whose parents are left with an irreplaceable ache in their hearts and arms.
While we are not the majority, the amount of people with children who’ve died are not few and far between.
While I don’t speak for the entire community of Loss Parents, I can tell you that “Just Keeping the Kids Alive” is often not the most appreciated phrase.
The world tends to forget about Loss Moms when it comes to Mom Culture. After all, a dead child isn’t something most people find appropriate to talk about. Many women feel shame over the loss of their children, and society discouraging open dialogue about death and grief doesn’t help.
And the phrase “You’re doing great if you just kept the kids alive today!” simply tells us we failed, and we have done wrong - because we did not keep our kids alive.
If 1 in 4 pregnancies end in loss and so many other children die after their birth, how many women do you think you know that have had a child die? As the recipient of one of these items, I can tell you the pain I felt when holding the mug in my hands was immeasurable. It was a lighthearted gift, meant to bring me joy, but all I could see was a reminder of a sense of failure I was working so hard to free myself from.
I urge you not to feel shame if you proudly wear a t-shirt with this phrase, or sip from a mug with some variation of “Just Keeping the Kids Alive” on it. If this phrase makes you feel welcomed into the Exhausted Moms Club then by all means, do something that brings you joy.
But please reconsider if you are thinking of giving one of these items as a gift. I ask you to consider those of us that cannot hold our children in our arms. Consider those of us that were never able to hold our children, those of us that said hello and goodbye in the same breath, that had to make decisions about our children’s caskets or urns, and those of us that just haven’t told you about our child that died - because there are so, so many of us.
We are doing a great job - the hardest job - whether our children are alive or not.
Sources:
Data and Resources (SUID and SIDS). 2020. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
https://www.cdc.gov/sids/data.htm
What is Stillbirth?. 2019. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/stillbirth/facts.html
Photo credit: https://www.popsugar.com/family/Target-Threshold-Today-Goal-Keep-Tiny-Humans-Alive-Mug-45386589
Christine S. is a mother of one angel baby, Luna Rue, who was born sleeping at 40 weeks. Christine is a teacher, wife, and fur-mom who continues to look for ways to honor her daughter every day.
You can follow her journey on her site at http://www.nevertopart.com