The Best Parenting Advice
This advice comes from my mom. She raised me and my two brothers. We’re all grown and she’s pretty pleased with how differently we are each living our lives. Those are her credentials so take the following advice at your own risk.
A little background:
When Nolan was born my breastfeeding struggles convinced me that I was a failure of a mom. I remember thinking, “If I can’t breastfeed him, what distinguishes me as him mom from some random woman on the street.” At the time, I was convincing myself that my worth was tied to how my body functioned. I was deceived into thinking that mothers were defined by their bodies. When my identity veered from my expectations I couldn't rationalize the shift. I was deep in self-loathing. Thankfully, I had my mom.
In 1989, she was surprised to birth a baby with a cleft lip and palate. She had no prepared warning. No ultrasounds or anatomy scans that showed the defects. She didn’t even know the gender of the baby until the birth. After delivering the baby, the doctor cried. She was convinced she did something wrong as the doctor. That she failed my mother because she didn’t know the baby would turnout this way. My mom comforted that doctor without a gleam of regret or despair over her child. That child was me. I often think about how difficult that first year with me was for my mother. She had to find a way to feed me so that I would gain enough weight to get surgery to repair my cleft and palate. She exclusively pumped to feed me since I couldn’t latch with my defect. Her perseverance amazes me. I thrived because of her.
When I was wallowing in self-pity waiting for my milk to come in, supplementing with formula and untangling a dreadful SNS system, my mom told me something I still cling to today—
“Your child isn’t a gift for you. You are the gift for your child.”
If she wasn’t my mother, I wouldn’t have had the life I have today. My mom was my gift and I am a gift to my sons.
I remember these words when I’m at my limit with an uncooperative 3 year old. Or when I’m trying to teach my 6-year-old how to lose a game with grace for the 100x. Her words shift my perspective when my kids disappoint me. It’s not their job to be a perfect child for me based on my expectations. It’s my job to find the patience and compassion from my life experience. It shifts attention back to me the adult. It helps me adjust because a better me will raise a stronger them. I am their gift so I better show up and be that for them. I will not be a gift they wish to return.
I hope this helps you too, friends.
