It's Time to Pack Up (military style)

I knew another move was coming. I knew it the moment we got to California four years ago. I just didn’t expect to love living on the West Coast so much.

California has been our longest home and it is where we started our family.

It’s where Ryan started his job as a pilot in a fleet. It’s where I embraced my role as a military spouse: I volunteered, we lived in a base community, and I survived two deployments. It's where I made close friends in and outside the military world, knowing I would have to leave them.

Now, the leaving is about to happen and I hate it.

I have to say goodbye to friends who became family. I will hear my 3 year old ask for a friend by name but I'll have to tell him we moved, again and again.

Everyone will tell me, “You’ll make new friends,” or, “Aren’t you excited to get out of California?” but truth be told, I'm over it. Right now, I want to complain.

I don’t want to figure out logistics on how to house hunt with a toddler, a baby, and a dog from across the country. I hate that we have to quickly decide if renting or buying a home is best for us financially.

I’m frustrated that the nearest Costco and Trader Joe’s are almost 2 hours away from our new city. You all know how much I love Trader Joe's frozen foods.

I don’t want to find a new church. I don’t want to find a new MOPS (Mothers of Preschoolers) group.

I’m annoyed that we’re moving so soon after my husband is returning from a 6-month deployment.

I feel like I have everything I need right here and I want to stay put.

This move feels harder than past moves. Previously, I knew we were headed to the “start of something.” Our move from Pensacola, FL to Jacksonville, NC meant Ryan would learn how to fly the helicopter he selected. Our move from NC to San Diego, CA meant Ryan was joining the fleet and his first squadron.

In my role as a military spouse, I started to understand the seriousness of military life. I saw the sacrifices, the loss, and the heartache. Our move to CA meant we were going to stay put for a while, which meant I could settle in to our home and we could start a family, which we did.

We got pregnant, we found a church, I got involved in MOPS. I created play groups in my neighborhood. I made local friends I met on Instagram (yes, it’s a thing). I found a preschool for my toddler. I build a life around our military orders.

It’s a life that Ryan, honestly, wasn’t heavily involved in due to his busy schedule.

He’s excited to move because this move means he will be with our family more. It means no deployments, connecting with his sons, and finally being able to feel settled.

He’s approaching a season of gains, while I feel I’m approaching a season of losses.

How do we meet in the middle? I don't want to dampen his excitement, but I also know that I need empathy and support from him through my grief for leaving this chapter of our lives.

This is the part of military life they tell you to prepare for but honestly, I don’t feel prepared at all.

How do you allow yourself to settle in to a community when you know you will leave it?

How many times can you pack up a home to then create a new home with the same or more excitement?

How can you find the will to make new friendships when you’re leaving behind irreplaceable ones?

How can you stand the fact that you’re moving on without those friendships and are likely to never connect with them again beyond social media or infrequent visits?

How do you leave a place that means so much to you because it was the first place you let feel like home?

I don’t have the answers. I’m just feeling sad. And for now, that's okay. I know good awaits us as we venture onward to our next home. But I’m allowing for some wallowing while I figure out how to rise up from the difficulty of goodbyes.